i should be happy.  i should be on cloud nine.  i should be grateful for all the countless blessings that have come my way.

but instead, this is my thought cloud:  why would any man fall in love with me?  all i've been able to ask myself is "why me?  why is something this great in my life?"

especially this one?  this one... who is meant for something big-- something great; who is surrounded by hundreds of insanely beautiful, outgoing, intellectual, single and independent lady-friends that would throw themselves at him in a milli-second if he showed the slightest hint of interest...

i've been tryin to shake this pessimism and just do what i gotta do for myself, but the critic/cynic in me recaps the reality of my self-worth.  i know i'm a driven girl that deserves good, but once the good turns great, i start preparing for emotional-detachment so i won't feel so hurt when it's taken away from me.

you can call it jumping the gun, but i call it my insurance policy.

hear it_[[ Tell Him (Lauryn Hill) ]]
she's_[[ restless ]]

There's a whole butt-load of great thinkers and analytical psychologists that seem to have a general theory of how love develops between two romantically involved partners (funny how most refer specifically to 'man and woman'). Is human emotion really that definitive and predictable?  I guess a generalized theory can explain our some of our fatuous tendencies when we're consumed by new love (see my rant on clumsiness two paragraphs below), but I'd like to think that the real thing is indiscriminately unique.    

One of those psychologists that disects and regurgitates human emotion is John Alan Lee.  He proposed a theory on "Love Styles," which includes his view that playful, intense eros love is synonymous with males and pragma/practical love correlates with females.  I'm trying not to be sexist and over-analytical, but that comparison tips off the generalization with men = wham, bam, thank you ma'am.... which is why I chose to throw away my habit of trying to interpret love and relationships with this one.  Although my romance with Bosco does remind me of storge/compassionate romance. OK, that was my last analyzation.  Just trying to enjoy it as it is.  The cool thing is there's now this bonus when I transfer to SoCal in January.  

Not that my clumsiness is anything new, but really... can I please not run into a wall or trip over my feet every five minutes? Mama jokes: "Well, at least you have some romantic stories to tell about these scars."  Actually, her FOB-ulosity would sound more like "its cos of dis crrash on Bosco, naman. You're clumsy like your papa bentot."  I'd like to think that my interpretation of her comment in layman's terms is more accurate.

I am now on a 27-day countdown 'til my departure to Europe. Yes, Europe.  This eager 23-year old kid is about to embark on a much anticipated expedition on foreign grounds for 23 days.  This is my monster step toward shedding that old habit of not finishing what I start... I'm following through with something I've wanted for the longest time, and despite the risk of losing a lot, there's no way I can turn back now.   

The strong, confident woman in me has been showing face more frequently lately. I LOVE it. I'm sure this Bosco character appreciates it as well.    

she's_[[ thankful ]]

 Happy Earth Day!

"Modern technology
Owes ecology
An apology."
~Alan M. Eddison

hear it_[[ The Devil in the Wishing Well (Five for Fighting) ]]

 Sun Sign: Capricorn 

Your horoscope - Today, April 9, 2008

You may feel like a beetle that has been flipped on its back today, Roxanne. Your legs are flailing wildly in order to get you back on your feet. The harder you wiggle around, the more exhausted you become. You might consider just giving yourself a rest and waiting for a breeze to come along and push you back over. Trust that you will be back on your feet soon enough. In fact, it may be good for you to lie there motionless for a while to appreciate the humor of your situation.

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."

(-Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta aka Buddah)

Tomorrow is another day.

hear it_[[ Only One (Lifehouse) ]]

"The genius of the heart as it is possessed by that great hidden one.... who says no word and gives no glands in which there lies no touch of enticement... the genius of heart who makes everything loud and self-satisfied fall silent and teaches it to listen, who smooths rough souls and gives them a new desire to savour... who teaches the stupid and hasty hand to hesitate and grasp more delicately--... I like him... and there is in general good reason to suppose that in several respects the gods could all benefit from instruction by us human beings. We humans are - more humane." (From Friedrich Nietzsche: A Nietzsche Reader. pp. 282-284)

 

Ok.... so Nietzsche was a bit of an egocentric chauvinist and allowed his philosophical views to aspire from melancholic, testosterone-driven pirouettes around human values, but if you interchange just a few of his veteran existentialist thoughts with modern day compassion and empathy, he kind of has it down to a T.

hear it_[[ Sleep Through the Static (Jack Johnson) ]]
she's_[[ lazy ]]

Here are five strategies from several experts interviewed by Rodale Publishing:

• The first strategy comes from Harvard grad and dating coach Nancy Slotnick. You may have seen her on Oprah or the Today Show. Her advice is to talk to 10 strangers a day. That way, you’ll build up an immunity to rejection – because a fear of rejection is what holds most men back. You’ll also be able to test your ice-breakers and hone your ability to come up with quick responses. That way, when the real deal comes along, it’ll be like muscle memory kicking in. You’ll be breaking the ice and chatting like it comes naturally to you.
• The second strategy for meeting the love of your life comes from psychotherapist Sharyn Wolf. She says: Help your female neighbor carry her grocery bags inside. Why? Thyree reasons. Women have friends, women like to fix their friends up, and by helping a neighbor you show you’re a good guy – so she’ll want to fix you up.
• The third way to meet the love of your life is: To pretend like you’ve already been introduced. That comes from dating coach Marc Katz. He says that will shift your mindset from nervous guy on the hunt for a woman – to friendly guy having a casual conversation. Most importantly, by not being in “hunting mode” the woman won’t feel like she’s being hit on.
• Another way to meet the love of your life: Leave work. According to psychotherapist Dr. Wolf, on nice days women like to eat lunch outside. So turn off your cell phone, take off your shades and join them. Wearing sunglasses doesn’t allow a woman to see your eyes so she’ll have a harder time reading your emotions and sincerity.
• Don’t interrogate a woman. She doesn’t know you, so starting off with a barrage of questions seems intrusive and makes her feel uncomfortable. What to do instead? Share information about yourself, then ask a question – like this: “Hi I’m Mark, I work in that building over there. Do you work nearby too?” Or, “I’m the youngest of three, how ‘bout you?” That allows a woman to respond more comfortably.

she's_[[ thirsty ]]

hear it_[[ All the Same (Sick Puppies) ]]
she's_[[ exhausted ]]